Eyes Wide Shut: On Learning to See Myself

No…we are not alone. But we often feel alone. We feel this way because we think people do not really understand us, do not really know us; and if they really knew us, would they still love us?

The irony is that our closest friends and lovers do see us, love us, and accept us fully — just as we see, accept, and love them in the same way. It is we who cannot see ourselves. We are blinded by our blind spots. We determinedly work to maintain a glorified self-image that we have wrapped ourselves in, confident that we are hiding the dark spaces.

But they do see. They are distinctly aware of our selfishness and vanity, our laziness, our over-indulgence and our fear and cowardice. And still, they stay with us. Equally, they perceive our big-heartedness and brightness, our softness and vulnerability and our courage and strength. They see us clearly and they choose to stay and love us unconditionally. And there is no still.

We are all just looking to be seen by others, so we can really see ourselves. And I know my lover sees me and often it is painful. His honesty cuts me and sometimes I cry, but I only cry because deep down I know it is truth. My tears are only for me.

His directness in sharing my darker sides gives me choice where before I had none. He gifts me with a deeper understanding of myself that I could not see or was avoiding. And with this new-found clarity, I can choose to grow or not.

I am growing and changing, but not in all of the areas he reveals to me. Yet every time he sees something, I hear myself say to him, “I will change”. And he says, “No, you won’t.” And it hurts me because I feel like he is saying he has no faith in me. But when I look beyond what my mind tells me, I realize with my heart what he’s really saying is, “Even if you don’t change, I still love you. I’m not asking you to change, I’m just sharing something I see. I’ve chosen you and I love you, unconditionally — all of you.”

So this is how he unknowingly teaches me… through his amazing ability to see and to be honest with me, and then to give me the space to do with it what I will… so that I too can one day love and embrace an unabridged me.