I’ve been noticing the past few weeks that whenever I feel any kind of fear at all, if I feed it with love it instantly dissipates. What is this strange phenomenon? Why does it appear that love and fear cannot coexist? And if this is so, why don’t more people activate this principle in their lives?
I ask these provoking questions expecting a simple answer that can quickly be jotted down for my not-so-simple blog - only to discover that once again I’ve asked a question that has no quick or easy answer. For whatever reason, I attract these types of questions. And then I have to actually date them so I can better understand them. Thankfully I don’t actually have to abscond as they seem to fly away of their own accord once our fling has run its course. (;
So where to start? I suppose the easiest place to start is with love.
Love is boundless...a bucket that is a well that is a sea which all of us can tap into at any given moment. Like a mother's love it is also something freely given which expects nothing back. Love is freedom, a wild bird that chooses to nest among humans. So too it is trust, openness, vulnerability - and ergo fearlessness. Love is all of these things and more, some more tangible than others.
People often define love’s opposition as hate. But I would argue that if love is fearless, boundless and free then the opposite of love must be fear, emptiness and control. The five root sufferings in the Yogic tradition are Avidya (Ignorance), Asmita (Egoism), Raga (Attachment), Dvesa (Aversion) & Abhinivesa (Clinging to Bodily Life). But intriguingly, when I look at these I see only one root suffering - and that is “fear”. Fear of change, fear of not being in control, fear of losing something, fear of the unknown and fear of death. Some of the nuances cross back onto each other, but the common denominator remains “fear”.
My wise friend Helena once told me, “your greatest fear will always come to pass.” For many this statement might be incredibly frightening. For me, however, it is a challenge. And I do believe she is absolutely correct. However, I also believe that no fear must come to pass.
How is this possible? We all have fears, yes. But our power lies in choosing how we respond to them. We can choose to water them, provide sunlight for them & nurture them - growing them all out of proportion and creating our own little shop of horrors. Alternatively, we can be very specific in what and how we feed them. And I’ve found there’s really only one food for fear - and that’s love.
For whatever magical reason, they truly cannot coexist in the same mindstate. You cannot have feelings of love running through you AND feelings of fear simultaneously. They are two distinct and different affects - evoking two distinct and different responses both physiologically and emotionally. Invariably, they negate one another.
Creating loving thoughts does not mean not experiencing other emotions. All emotions are healthy and normal. What becomes significant is how we choose to layer them. Through which lens will we choose to view and ultimately dialogue with our emotions? When we look through a lens with love, we seek to observe, acknowledge and free. Whereas when we perceive through the lens of fear, we often seek to interpret, judge and control.
How do we begin replacing fear with love? Simple awareness. Simple awareness. Awareness is 95% of achieving anything. And I say simple with the full understanding that the act is not at all simple.
So what are some easy steps we can take? To start, try tying a colored thread around a finger or wrist or designate something that we’re easily or often drawn to, like a watch or ring. Over time as awareness builds, whatever we've chosen will no longer be necessary and veritably falls away. The thread or object is a symbol of love, a reminder of love but it is not the actual love.
The second step involves our eye catching our chosen object while we’re in the midst of fear - often made obvious by the adrenaline racing through us as we hyperventilate. (; If we can make this connection in time and awareness enters our sphere, we now have an amazing opportunity to actually feed our fears with love. As the love fills the space, notice the breath calms, the body relaxes and that feeling of panic brought on by the adrenaline begins to dissolve - resulting in peace, a wonderful side-effect of love. If we can just engage the awareness, the choice becomes ours in every moment to fear or to let go!
It never ceases to amaze me how a simple smile or touch given with no expectation of return can render so much love and wonder - for ourselves and the other person, for people we already love and people we’re not so fond of, for those we’ve known for years and strangers we’ve never met. Children naturally give and receive with open hearts. But when adults do it, it’s especially sweet and tender because it takes true fearlessness.
Ultimately love is the soul stripped bare. And it is only in that space that we begin to recognize ourselves in the other and to remember the love that is all of us.
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